Remember Life Before Greek Yogurt?

When I was a kid, I remember that there were two kinds of yogurt.  There was the kind with the fruit at the bottom, and the kind where the fruit was already mixed up with the white yogurt.  I liked the kind with the fruit at the bottom, so that I could eat small spoonfuls of the white yogurt until I saw the deep colors of the fruit, and pretend that I was an archeologist dairy.

Today it seems like the yogurt of those days is out of style, and has been supplanted by Greek yogurt.  I admit that the containers of Chobani have taken over so much of my own refrigerator that I hardly have enough room for the 5.0 liter box of wine.  And with good reason—the yogurt is delicious, and I can feel the active cultures improving my digestion and reading comprehension.  One website (www.greekgodsyogurt.com) even touts its products as containing the qualities of the gods.  But how did Greek yogurt come to be?

According to legend, Epimetheus, who was a Titan until he was traded to the Jets as a third-string quarterback, was entrusted with equipping all of the creatures, including humans, with whatever they would need to survive in a very dangerous and expensive world.  To birds he gave beaks, to rabbits he gave speed, to elephants he gave size, to house cats he gave cute faces and arrogance.  He was satisfied with the job he had done, and planned to reward himself with a whole season of Dawson’s Creek on DVD.

His twin brother, Prometheus, came up behind Epimetheus, flicked his ear, and said, “What are you up to, Epilady?”

“Don’t call me that, Prometheus.”

“Oh, and what are you going to do about it?  Tell Dad?”

Epimetheus didn’t reply.  Prometheus seemed to always know what to say, whereas Epimetheus never thought of a good retort until days later.

“So these are the celebrated humans?” he asked Epimetheus.

“Yes,” Epimetheus said, and smiled, proud that finally he had done something that Prometheus had not.  Let’s see him criticize me now, Epimetheus thought.

Then Prometheus said, “The humans have no yogurt.”

“What do you mean?  They have yogurt right there.  See that man scraping the inside of the container, trying to get the last bit of fruit?  It’s an annoying sound, I know, but—”

“What I meant is that they don’t have Greek yogurt,” Prometheus said.

“Greek yogurt?  But that’s just for the gods.  Dad said that Zeus keeps it…”

“Who cares what Dad said?  What are we, little kids?  Little Titanettes?  Remember when I called you a Titanette, and made you dress up like a little ballerina?”

“Yes, Prometheus.  I do.”

“And then you cried in front of all the gods?  Oh, how I miss that Golden Age.  But listen, I think these humans could use Greek yogurt.”

Greek yogurt was indeed reserved for deities, which, along with incest and turning themselves into aquatic birds, ranked among the gods’ favorite pastimes until Dancing With the Stars came around.  Zeus, the king of all the gods and keeper of the remote control, had deemed Greek yogurt too tangy and creamy for mere mortals, so he kept it locked up in his safe with his thunderbolts and auto insurance policy.

One afternoon, Prometheus crept into Zeus’ room while the safe was open.  Zeus was trying to decipher the supplemental coverage clause in his policy and reached over to his telephone to call his carrier, and had his back turned to the open safe.  So Prometheus crept in, grabbed the Greek yogurt from the safe, and gave it to the humans while Zeus was still listening to all the choices on the menu.  The humans were then able to enjoy the tangy and creamy food, but with greater nourishment and active cultures.  Equipped with numerous and diverse bacteria, humans became the masters of the planet, and soon filled the Earth with their offspring and their offspring’s music.

As punishment, Zeus chained Prometheus to a rock, and every day a bird would come by, eat his liver, and chastise Prometheus for not getting enough Omega-3 fatty acids.  This went on until Heracles persuaded Zeus to replace Prometheus with Charlie Sheen.

Advertisements

23 Comments

Filed under Eating and Drinking

23 responses to “Remember Life Before Greek Yogurt?

  1. LuckyPorcupine

    Thanks for the laugh!

  2. Hi,
    Love ur stories. I posted to my fb pg.
    MW

  3. fishducky

    You’re a funny man, Mark Kaplowitz!

  4. Oh god…that yogurt-scraping-container sound! GAHHH! Falls squarely in the category of “sounds that aren’t annoying at all when you’re doing it, but drive you EFFIN’ NUTS when someone else is.” (Umm…if that wasn’t a category already, I vote we make it one :-D)

    I wanted to de-lurk and let you know that I included a link to your blog on a little “blogs I love” round-up thingy I posted today. It’s here, if you’re so inclined to check it out: http://wp.me/pcdoH-Ai

    • I vote for it too. You hear the sound and think, “When are they going to be done with that yogurt? Oh, I think they’re…nope, not done yet.”

      Thank you for posting my blog on your site with the description. I am honored and appreciate it. I hope your readers like it, too.

  5. Reading comprehension…. that’s a new one! Do they have a specific type for writing? The flavor that you consume has GREAT creative powers!!! 🙂

    • Thank you, Carol. I actually eat a variety of flavors: strawberry, blueberry, peach. I tried mango but it was not nearly as sweet as I’d hoped, and pomegranate had, to my great disappointment, large seeds that were not chewable at all.

  6. You know I have always wondered how it all went down – thanks!

  7. Omigosh! One of your finest, and you know I love your stuff. Epilady! Ha!

  8. Great story–and it goes back further in time than I do! I remember when yogurt first started getting popular–at least in rural east Texas. I thought it was a fad that would never last! I guess I shouldn’t take up prophecy as a career choice, huh?

    • Thanks – and I wouldn’t give up on prophecy just yet. From what I understand, most prophets are wrong on their prophecies, and yet still manage to make a very nice living, with 6 weeks of paid vacation and a reserved parking spot.

  9. And here I was thinking that I was the only one who ate the plain yogurt on top first and then dove into the fruit-filled bottom… 🙂 Just wanted to let you know that I’ve nominated you for the Versatile Blogger Award. Love the laughs! Cheers, Rashelle

    • Thank you, Rashelle. I’m very honored and will do my best to discharge my Versatile Blogger duties that come with the award as soon as I can get away from the office. Glad to know there are other deep yogurt divers out there. Mark

      • You are quite welcome Mark. I think perhaps we should start a club…the DYDC. At the first meeting we can discuss the merits and flaws of yogurt and/or other dairy products wherein the yogurt and fruit are in…gasp!…separate plastic sections in the same container. 🙂

  10. This makes me want to go back in time so I could be back in school and write all my essays using YOU as a source.

    • That would have made for some interesting essays. I bet you would have gotten an A for “imaginative interpretation” of Classic texts. Or would have just gotten a zero like I did whenever I made up answers to quizzes on books I hadn’t read. But it would have been worth it!

  11. Oh for the love of Zeus. Your blog is one of the best thing i’ve come across.

    Now off to grab some Greek-Yo to read your blog with.

Please leave a comment - I reply to every one!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s